I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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