Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
