shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
