my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
