There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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