a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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