If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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