honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
