I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
