So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The chlamydia really affected his face.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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