Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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