forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
