The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize