today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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