You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
