Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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