god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just gargled with NyQuil
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize