Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
