Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
COCAINE IS GR8
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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