I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
