I am midnight drunk by noon
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
