well most of my day revolves around power hour
I love having hate sex.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
