Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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