I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
