The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
