Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
