call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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