The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
