if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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