Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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