someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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