At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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