I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
