Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
