We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
