the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
