im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I can feel your judgement through the phone
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
