Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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