Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
