At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
