I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
