I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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