I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
did you just send me my own nude
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
