its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
