its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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