What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I am spending my child support on dildos
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
