When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
