Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
