I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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