Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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