I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
