wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
