I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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