omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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