I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
