I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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