Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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