and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
