Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
