someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
