i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
ugly people sure do ruin things
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
as a side note pls kill me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
