allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
